you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
