3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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