Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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