the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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