I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
