The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
