Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
