Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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