I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
