I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
