Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
