The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
