Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
