I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Randomize
