Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
