I think my vagina is haunted
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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