I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Let's get the cat blown out
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Someone signed my nipple.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
