did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
