If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
