the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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