i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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