What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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