I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
