She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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