just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
