Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
