Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
