doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
