just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
