It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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