i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
