The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
