P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
