Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
