You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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