It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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