How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
