I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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