my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
