I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
