Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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