I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
