Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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