my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
