Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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