I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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