Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
