Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
