cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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