I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
You did what with his pubic hair?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
