he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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