I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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