FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
